On Heartbreaks

I was prompted to write this essay on heartbreaks by Rupi Kaur. The best-selling contemporary poet of the heart went through therapy and healing work that is shared though her feminine lens. Her workbook titled Healing Through Words was created to stir and inspire the poet in anyone open to try.

We can heal through words, but not words alone. My self-healing journey through immobilising pain taught me that the process of writing rises awareness. Particularly journaling opens the shut gates of feelings. Putting into words where we are in life and reflecting on that illuminates some truth. Still, be aware that even truth is not stale. As the Greek pre-socratic philosopher Heraclitus would conclude with the far-eastern wisdom of yin-yang, it changes with the flux of existence and nothingness.

Heartbreaks can be temporary if mended

Finding that stuck emotion that was staling us can open the door to healing. It feels literally magical. If guilt was your enemy, kill it. Too often guilt is unjustified. One does not do anything wrong, just pleasing, to goodness aspiring self, stirs the guilt that shall not prevent one from being oneself.

Ideally, your truth is enjoying being a kind human being caring about others, but equally caring about your own wellbeing. For love and kindness start within us and radiate outside. Emotional hurts can cling to the heart and mind for decades, even lifetimes, but we can clear them with some effort.

Real joy is the medicine we all need. It goes beyond placebo. Sincere appreciation of what we have regardless of judgement stirs up gratitude and joy. Find that open space between passion and suffering, love and comfort, giving and taking, expecting and letting go, and sustained joy will great you every day. This is a good start.

So, where do heartbreaks have place in healing? The broken wholeness of the heart, a self-sustaining entity within us that is metaphysical rather than material, is hardly possible to see in our face, but can be fixed. The transformative ingredient you need is accepting the infinite law of change, eagerly opening to whatever comes next and embracing it.

A heartbreak is different from leaving your comfort zone with somebody you shared life with. While we may feel compassion for the other who still loves us, a comfort zone is not love, it is a mind’s habit, while in the matters of emotions we speak of love.

Clarity about our own feelings and the many forms of love one can feel for others, can guide the difficult transition for the kindest of spirits. Love can change over time from one type to another shape. Passionate Eros can transform into affectionate caring love, devoted duty, charity, friendship, all more stable and sustainable forms of loving as C.S. Lewis warned insightfully in his classic book The Four Loves.

Comfort can dwell in knowing that the heart breaks many times through life. It can always be mended. Like a kintsugi, the Japanese sensible craft of gluing together shattered parts of ceramics by enhancing their appeal with a more captivating touch of gold or silver dust on the paths of the broken edges. Making the once forlorn usable again, and even more interesting than before when that vessel was whole. I like to adopt beneficial cultural approaches to problems. Why shutting down good possibilities?

The Truth About Love

There is in fact only one form of love that can accompany you next to each in-breath and exhale — embracing compassionately not selfishly yourself. Accepting your past, the aching body, while trying to improve them without judging oneself as unworthy of care and love. That whole vessel of yourself glued together by your sense of self-worth, respect and effort to become a better human being, more accepting of others, open to their sorrows, yet not hurting yourself by taking their problems to your heart. The mind shall be free and clear so you can serve others without harming yourself. Sleepless nights are useless unless you create something rare and inspiring with a selfless purpose.

Natural Forces We Cannot Control But Can Accept

Further, be aware that it is only in the moment when something breaks, including the heart, that we feel the most intense noise and pain. This will pass. The feeling is like a wave in the sea ∼ ebbs and flows. The next wave is a different emotion. A tsunami is shaken Earth somewhere under the water’s body. Naturally, such a shock sends more intense waves out, like a psychic event. Like uprooted tree in a storm, tsunami can destroy buildings, seriously wound, even kill.

The mind-body (dis)connection potently affects our health and as the growing evidence in psychosomatic medicine suggests can lead to cancer, chronic illness like arthritis, immune disorders and more. Retired bestselling physician Gabor Maté has an extensive experience in the field, sharing specific cases in his book When The Body Says No.

The force of nature has its own alter ego. Her life-supporting and the deadly aspect are the nature of reality. If someone refuses to see the other side, light or darkness, they are living in a haze. I spend a great amount of time in nature. To understand her, but also to calm my mind and to nurture my soul. Nature has shown me her grace and her cruelty. Still, I cried when I saw a bird dying as it hit the window pane on my terrace. I gave the bird a respectful burial, cried, and later I wrote a poem inspired by this heart-moving moment. I could not bring the bird back to life, but I could connect and then let it go wherever the animal soul’s next place in space shall be.

It is the same with love. It must be given while it is being taken. If it can no longer be given, then it is better to split it up, so the other person is free to seek mutual love from someone ready to reciprocate unconditionally. Thus the broken heart can be mended like that kintsugi plate or pot. The fragile clay or ceramic become a whole piece again, unless an entire piece is lost and the void cannot be filled. Do not allow for that hole to crack your wholeness. With self-respect find your self every day. Guard your wholeness by incorporating awareness into your daily practice.